How Far We Do Fall

After months of training, denying myself carbs, not just bread but some days fruit...I am here eating what will be the last(I hope) sweet for one week.

I am munching on chocolate chip cookies. From Mcdonald's. After eating the Southern Style Chicken sandwich...meal.

Don't ask me what I ate beforehand..

Ok. A cinnamon roll.

Just a few weeks ago I was standing onstage in a bikini.

I won't consider wearing one now.

I denied myself so badly that when I finally told myself I could eat sweets...instead of eating a piece of cake, I ate a container of frosting.

My workouts were strenuous. I'd work out in between my clients and finally my body decided to stop responding. This was before the frosting episode.

When I decided to stop binging  and trying to cover up my tracks by extensive exercising...I had an accident.

Prevented me from exercising for two weeks. This will be my third week. I did nothing but eat and feel sorry for myself, all the while training clients and watching myself get fatter while my clients got fitter.

I am still at the point where I can "hide" the fact that I went from 115 to 130. 130 might not seem like such a high number to most..but for me it is. This jump did not take place over a few years time or even over a years time.

I was 115 on Sept 18, the day of my competition.

Today on Oct 10, not even 30 days out I am 130.

I need to stop.

I need to get back on track.

 Being a trainer my hours are all over the place. I have decided to not feel guilty if after a day where I train clients from 5am to 8 pm,, after my two hour commute home I am hungry..and  althouth all my training plans had me stop at eating meal 6, I'd be so hungry I'd eat meal 7. I would  feel horrible because I didn't stick to my 6 meals and I would decide to just eat whatever since I was obviously a failure. Instead of reaching for something healthy I'da eat a cinnamon role or a package of cookies and feel miserable for not having willpower.

Now - I'll have meal 7 or shall I say snack 7...only if I need it but I will pick something healthy like fruit(which I will not ever try to deny myself again..)

I also am going to start an exercise regimen in which I will be forced not to overexercise. I purchased a program from fatlosstogo.com and they have plenty of 10 min workouts.  I will start with those combined with healthy eating and keep myself accountable by checking in.

I don't care about looking like a fitness model anymore. I wasn't happy when I was at my thinnest and starving myself  and doing extreme amounts of exercise .  In fact I was an irritable beatch to most people even if I fit into size 2 jeans.

To my clients and others I looked like I was picture perfect model of health. Inside I feel anything but.
Now,  my outside matches how I felt inside. That's not good either.

  I  need to find a  happy medium. I was at one end of the spectrum one month ago and now I am at the polar opposite. I need to find that middle ground.

My journey back to fitness begins....after I finish this cookie.